By Daniel Rhodes.

Who is James Milner?

Is he really a dour caricature, slandered and sullied by some anonymous Twitter account, forcing him into a state of catatonic paralysis when asked to perform a simple five yard pass to a teammate? Is he the perfect <insert> into various positions, able to adapt to instruction? He always gives everything he has, especially with his intelligent movement causing havoc wherever he runs, and boy can James Milner run. But he runs at a steady pace, with virtually no acceleration. He might always give everything he has, but when he’s hitting the opposition defender on the front post from a corner – for the tenth time that match – as a fan you don’t want anything he has.  James Milner was simultaneously an absolute steal for no transfer fee; and an expensive flop, crippling our wage bill for years with a contract far too long for an obvious journeyman. James Milner is a paradox. There is no right and wrong. There is James, and there is Milly. For the rest of this article, I will refer to them both as separate entities. And it will contain swearwords.

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